Dress For the Life You Want...

i've noticed....

i've noticed that i have been slowly drowned by my circumstances... in the last year i have slowly, almost methodically let myself be controlled by one circumstance after another... whether it be what job i'm in, where we are living, what classes i have, or whether or not i can contact friends that use to be so close... i have let  these things chip away at who i am...

once i was a man who lived outside his circumstances... a man who knew who he was, knew he was strong and could do anything... but... giving into my own weaknesses and doubts i have now seen myself become nothing more than one big reaction... i react to my surroundings, i react to my lifestyle, i react to my job, i react to whatever current situation in which i find myself... i have become a man who is powerless, because i have given up the power given to me, which is to be strong and courageous no matter what life throws at me... yes, i have let myself be chipped away little by little until nothing seems to remain of the man that once was...

there is no strength... there is no courage... there is no freedom... there is only reaction...

but...

God be praised...

God be praised that He is forgiving... God be praised that He has been strong through my weakness... God be praised that He cares enough about this broken shell of a man enough to reveal to me that i can rise above my circumstances once again... God be praised that He can and will undo what i have become... God be praised that He can mend these broken bones so that they may rejoice in HIS goodness!

i have been driven by my circumstances lately... but no longer... as they say a man should always dress for the job he wants... i shall dress for the life i want... no longer will i dress to match my circumstances, i will dress to match the truth of God's love and work in my life...

a friend once told me that wherever you go, there you are... no matter where we live, no matter what we do, we are always inside our heads... we live between our ears he told me... the point he was making is that no matter where we live, what job we have, no matter what type of circumstances we find ourselves in, you are always with yourself and you must always be true to who you are... one cannot let themselves change based on location, occupation, or lifestyle... and i cannot let myself be overwhelmed by these things either... i am who i am, and no matter where we live, no matter what we do, i will be who i am... 

and i need to be true to who i am and live as the man that i am called to be... i cannot wait until i get the job im preparing for, i cannot wait for the location in which i would prefer to live, i cannot wait to live the lifestyle and have the friends that i desire...

if i am not me even in the remotest of locations, in the worst of circumstances, then i will not be me anywhere... and if i am not me, then i am nothing...

i know the man that i am... regardless of what my circumstances have tried to tell me... no matter what my depression has tried to tell me... no matter what my overwhelming negative personal thoughts may tell me... i know the man that i am...

i am a strong man... i am a man of God... i am a man of courage... i am brilliant... i have talents and insight that most don't... i have gifts and abilities that are unique to me and will be used for great things...

i will no longer squander the greatness that lies inside of me with false humility or negative thoughts... i have the wonderful things inside of me because i have purpose, because my life has meaning, even if my circumstances may try to tell me otherwise... i have a calling, as dim as my circumstances may have tried to make it seem... i have been given such great things, and no longer will i quench the Holy Spirit's gifts to me by being controlled by anything else...

i will dress this day, for the life that i want... i will live this day as the man that i am called to be...

i will use all the gifts i have been given and will not be ashamed...

thank You... thank You, Father for Your patience... thank You for your provision and for carrying me when i am too weak to even crawl... thank You, for doing far more abundantly beyond all that i could ask or think... You amaze me in the way You work... such freedom in Your love...

i will no longer be driven by things too weak to control me...

time has had it's way with me...

i have an incredible, wonderful wife...

i have an amazing, beautiful daughter...

and though i have all that i could ever desire for companionship contained and fulfilled solely in these two people, my heart longs for something that i really do not desire...

my heart longs for friendship with believers... this is not a longing from my mind, nor from my will... it is a longing that goes beyond me and my desires... after spending years where i am the last thing i want is to see another believer... yet the longing exists and it grows daily...

we have not been going to church lately... not because we don't love God, not because we are not Christians, but simply because we are worn out... worn out with the futility and nonsense we witness daily...

but no matter how worn out i may tell myself i am, i am wearing out resisting this longing in my heart... this longing for fellowship... this longing for community...

augustine has said "the church is a whore, but she's still my mother"...

i am feeling this right now...

i am worn out with the nonsense, the drama, the futility... but however bad it may seem, i need the church... i need the fellowship of other believers... i need to speak, to teach, to learn, to grow... 

there may never be all good in any church here on earth, but right now i'm sure there will never be all bad either...

i have spent so much time pointing out the imperfections in my brethren... yet i realize now that i need them to help perfect the many, many imperfections i find in myself...

time has had it's way with me,

my broken, tired hands can't build a thing

the wires that have held me still,

embedded now in flesh, define my will

the idle of my days has won

 the empty i have fed has made me numb

despite what you will find in me

the failures of my past still swell beneath

i need a heart that carries on through the pain

when the walls start collapsing again

give me a soul that never ceases to follow

despite the infection within

our careless feet leaving trails

never minding the fragile dirt we all end in

this is where i find my fall

the cares that held my life don't work at all

and every step away from here

is closer to the plague i hold so dear

awaiting my end

breathing in the day that finds me new

redemption begins

bleeding out the flaws in place of you

-demon hunter

God Scares Me...

but God is a loving God... yes, but He is still God...

i love storms... i love watching the dark clouds drift in from the horizon, encompassing the sky as far as the eye can see... it thrills me, becuase it scares me... i remember standing outside our trailer with my dad during storms when i was younger... bad ones... watching the clouds twist and turn, lightning streaking across the sky, imagining a tornado dropping and destroying all that was around me... it thrilled me, becuase it scared me...

hurricanes, tornadoes, thunderstorms... these are things that thrill me because they are huge and deadly...

and i agree with Piper that this obsession with powerful things comes from our instilled longing for God... we long to be near the Almighty... and many times i picture myself in the arms of forgiving omnipotence, not scared, but thrilled... thrilled because He who could certainly destroy me in ways that do not yet exist, holds me close in love...

but tonight, that thrill is giving away to fear... not fear that i will be destroyed or forsaken, but that i may fail...

i am studying the judgment of Eli and his sons... they were called to serve God forever, but they failed miserably, yes disgustingly... and because of this, not only was their call withdrawn, but they were judged...

i have a calling on my life to be a minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ... yes, a wise man reminded me of this recently... and many that i attend college with have this same call...

but this call is not without condition...
this call has been given and can indeed be taken away...

these gifts are not my own...
these gifts have been given and can indeed be taken away...

God has called me, and this scares me... this call is not my own... it is not to do with as i please... it is not for me to determine what i will or will not do... and it is by no means mine to take advantage of...

the reality of God is very close to me at this moment... yes, there is thrill knowing that He is my Father... yet i remain overwhelmed with the knowledge that He is my Master...

and while there are probably few who will understand this, or feel this intense fear that i have it is very real at this moment... if you would like a taste, picture yourself sitting out on the porch watching that amazing storm... not on the Weather Channel, but in your front yard... only there is no imagination involved in that tornado that is about to take your life...

yes, God scares me... may it ever be this way...

People hear only what they want to hear... Always...

For some reason (whether it be bad Christian contacts, an unclear view of Christianity, or just a general dislike for Christianity and a rebellion against God) many have this view of Christianity that says man is worthless, destined to a life of self defeat and guilt; all is evil, nothing is good except this spoiled, red-headed step child of a god who demands way too much; charity and concern for others is a mere facade, a false projection of the Christian life that is in place to somehow fool the rest of the world into believing Christians have good character, a self defeating projection since the very nature of Christianity seems to be untilled land, infertile for any seeds of love to grow, selfishness and arrogance incarnate; a religion of mass ignorance and herd-like mentality, a tell-me-where-to-go-because-i-dont-want-to-figure-it-out-on-my-own-religion...

Of course, views like this, many times, are not so much persecution, but merely an acting out of basic human character: we look at the worst and blanket it over the rest... i believe it is referred to many times as stereotyping... its everywhere (and to avoid stereotyping, i will not say everyone does it); after 9/11 muslims are the anti-christ to many, although there are many muslims who, while by there own creeds they should be, are not oppressive or hostile... oppression comes from people, not from ideas or religions, even if those ideas demand oppression... for example, many deny Christianity on the basis of its oppression... while there has been oppression in the past through different Christians, Christianity is not an oppressive religion...

so, someone may look back in history and see the major oppression of the RCC, they then come back to today and cast that blanket over evangelicals... or they may even cast the fundamentalist blanket the same way... after all, didn't many of Mohammad's ideas stem from his encounters with false and/or perverted Christians?... and didn't many of our God-rejecting "great minds" whose works are studied today also form many of their views based on false views of Christianity... even further, the cornerstone of many modern day views and worldviews is called "anti-theism"... (seriously, how serious can you take something when it is merely built of the rejection of something else? funny how modern worldviews all begin by saying: "theism? nu-uh")

it has been a real struggle being in college... i study so many ideas from so many sources it drives me crazy sometimes... everyone has an opinion, everyone has a bias... and what seems most frustrating, is that some of the most ignorant, biased minds of the past are those held in high esteem in much of american academia today... with every new idea and every new opinion i encounter i find myself confronted at all angles with attacks... this world is so hostile toward Christianity... and while it has not caused me once to feel any doubt, nor has any other worldview or theory shown me any substantial proof to "disprove" my faith, i constantly feel the need to bring the truth to these people... i am in constant diatribe with these many worldviews and opinions... but one thing that i have come to realize recently is that people are not always reasonable... so, logical arguments based on reason and fact have no power against heated opinions...

so what am i to do in a world where people hear only what they want to hear, always?.. maybe i can try to be more like Jesus... maybe i can spend a little less time mulling over opinions and discussions and spend a little more time talking to someone who has noone to talk to... may be i could spend a little less time tied up in my own academic affairs and a little more time teaching someone about the Kingdom of Heaven... maybe i could spend a little less time in my own selfish affairs and a little more time fulfilling the needs of those who are in need around me... maybe i could spend a little less time worrying about the ignorance of Nietzsche and the bias of Freud and a little more time studying the truth of God's Word... and maybe i could spend a little less time focusing on the opinions of a biased, fallen world and a little more time focusing on my heavenly Father...

yes... that sounds refreshing...

after all, people hear only what they want to hear...

Always...

She is a jewel... A precious treasure with no end...

She is my beloved... She is my bride...

Stalemate...

So... Now what?...

Spill Me...

My heart has been heavy these past few days (weeks even) and it seems that tears are always right beneath the surface... Yet I don't know why... I know many things that have been bothering me lately, but none that I have been able to nail down and put into words or even real thoughts... I think that's why its been bothering me so much... It's uncomfortable...

This post may not be the most legible, but here are my "thoughts" as I try to put them into words... Bear with me as I spill my heart, right or wrong I don't know, but honest nonetheless...

I am terribly bothered that every question answered in my life raises a dozen more... Concerning humanity... Concerning this world... Concerning church...

I hate church... I don't hate THE Church, but I hate church... With so much "this should be this way" and "that should be that way" where does humanity fit in? Some say we should do music traditionally, some say we should do it "contemporary"... Some say it doesn't matter what you wear, some say you need to look nice... Some say the sermon should go this long, some say it should be as long as God wants... Some say we should have this many services, some say we should have only one... I don't care...

Whatever happend to just being? When I think about even those who would desire to mold and shape the church into what it was "in the beginning," I realize that this too is a futile matter... The original church wasn't "some kind" of church set up or model, it just was...

Linsey and I have been struggling with lack of desire to attend church... I don't know all the reasons why and this is no attempt at excuses, just my heart... I don't want to find a church that "suits me." I don't want to find a church that has music I like... I don't want to find a church that has a great "model." I just want to find a church that "is." I want to be... I want to rest... I don't want to be busy in church business... I want to rest in Bible study... I want to rest in prayer among friends... I don't even know if I am explaining any of this right... I don't want to be forced to hug someone in church during the "appropriate time" and have strangers rattle off a "how are you today"... I want to embrace my brothers and sisters in Christ...

I am bombarded every day at my college with messages and sermons and the like each one saying something different about what the church should be or do or look like or sound like or... So much opinion... So many agendas... It makes me want to scream... Literally...

My heart breaks for the days when a couple friends and I would sneak into the church and have a time of worship together and pray and talk... My heart aches for the days when Bible studies among friends and anyone who would come were daily activities... My heart is broken right now as I remember the simpler times when I just was... I wonder how I could have fallen so far... These memories cause me to hate church as it is... These experiences let me know that THE church IS real and makes me hate to go to chapel at my college...

These burdens are great on my heart as I long for the reality I once knew... I am encumbered with a burden I do not believe the Lord desires me to bear...

I was told when I left for college that this college would dry me out... It has...

I am in college, many times wondering for what purpose... My desire is not to work in church... My desire is to minister in life... To be, rather than do... But I am always reminded that God has called me here, and so here I stay... But still, I do not believe my purpose is for church... I believe my purpose is for THE church... I long for nights resting in Bible study among friends and outcasts...

Arguments can be made about "well, the church should be like this or like that," or that I am wrong in this or in that, or that I should not forsake the assembly... I don't care...

I will be the assembly... Among the outcasts...

As I ponder all of these things I recognize this heaviness of heart... It is a heaviness that I have missed for a long time... It is the heaviness of my calling... It is the voice of God...

These tears below the surface... they are water to my soul... Life again to my parched soul as I am reminded to just be...