Don't Pity Me...

I had a recent comment on my blog that really made me step back for a minute and look at my life again... When I share my testimony with people or speak of things that have occured in my life, they are hurt for me... But to be hurt for me completely misses everything that my testimony is about... I do not share my testimony with people to show them how hard life can be, or even to make them feel sorry for me... I am not proud of my past, so I definately do not share to impress people... The only reason I share my testimony with other people is to show what God can do in a person's life by showing what He has done in mine... I have absolutely no reason to be pitied... I have absolutely no reason for someone to feel sorry for me... I have life... And no matter what is taken from me and no matter what happends to me in this life can change the fact that I am a child of God... On top of this, God has been faithful to provide for me, lead me, and bless me in every way I could hope for... There is nothing I have endured, or had taken away in my life that I have not received back tenfold... I do not understand it, but I know it... I am not rich, I am not famous, but I have all that makes this life wonderful... God's grace abounds to me in all things... It always has and I know it always will... So to those who will never read this, when I tell you about my life, do not pity me, do not feel sorry for me, because if you do, I am wasting my breath... Rather, stand in awe with me at the greatness of Jesus Christ and the way He has made for us into the Kingdom of God... Be changed by Jesus... If I speak words to be pitied, then I am to be pitied... Don't pity me...

Linsey...

I have attempted multiple times over the last few weeks to write on my blog about the woman I have fallen in love with, but I always end up getting frustrated when I cannot find words to express what I see in her and what I feel for her... It is the same way when I try to take pictures of her... I have found that, for some reason, as beautiful as a picture of her is, they are weak to replicate her beauty... She has a glow, a radiance about her that does not show up in a picture... It is the same with words... I cannot find words to express the beauty of the three unique freckles under her left eye... I cannot find the words to describe the smile that she smiles only for me... I cannot find the words to adequately describe the way this smile shines in her eyes and fills my chest with emotions I cannot express and words that I do not believe exist... I cannot express how beautiful she is when she laughs at a movie or is captivated by the suspense... They cannot express the deep friendship I feel in every one of our conversations... They cannot express the joy I feel over all that we have in common... They cannot explain how she becomes more beautiful every time I see her... They cannot express the beauty I see in her eyes and in her heart... They cannot describe the passionate boldness of her heart... And they cannot express how wonderful it is to be with one who is ten times more than what I would have hoped for in the perfect woman... And all that I have been through has been well worth it to be with her...

Cynical...

I have been thinking about my cynicism for a few days now, analyzing and what-not... I believe that in America today, cynicism is a good trait to have, but, like all things, must be in measure... I have seen my own cynicism go from a healthy awareness of reality, to what is right on the verge of judgementalism and stereotyping... This, is not healthy cynicism... So, like always, I must set out to find the balance between extremes... In this particular case I must balance between ignorant bliss in the mediocre world of the pop-christian cattle-drive and the harsh unloving heart that springs from judgements and stereotypes... This should come as no surprise though, since I have always found God's will in the hardest place to stay: in the balance...

Self Portrait

This is actually something that my wonderful friend and mentor sent me about six months ago. Although it is his self-portrait, it captures me precisely and I do not think I could have worded it any better myself.

It would be an understatement to say that I have always been a bit of a rebel. As far back as I can remember I have wanted to do things my own way. In my wild youth I reveled in being a part of the radical counter-culture and as an adult I have always found it difficult to be satisfied with maintaining the status quo.>> I guess you could say I have authority issues.>> I don’t like being told what to do. I don’t like feeling manipulated. I thoroughly hate being forced to go along with someone else’s program when I would rather do things differently.>> I realize that I can be critical. I am not proud of my cynicism but I am aware of it. And I am painfully cognizant of the fact that I often see things differently from most others. It’s a curse I have lived with for a long, long time.>> Now lest I be too hard on myself I am also a pretty nice guy. I’m honest, considerate and I try to be faithful to the principles of godly living that Jesus taught. Of course that’s not always easy, but it is a consistent goal of mine. And as strange as it may seem, most of the time my nature and my intentions are not at odds with one another.>> It is not impossible to be a godly cynic.>> Having said all of that I have lately found myself struggling with an identity crisis. I haven’t exactly grown up to be the person I expected to be. Nor have I reached any discernable spiritual plateau. My faith is stronger than ever, but I am really having difficulty figuring out what to do with it.>> I am tired of church shopping and church hopping. I am tired of denominations and doctrinal differences. I am tired of being a “good Christian”. I would rather just be like Jesus and leave it at that. And the real truth is, in order to follow Jesus you have to be out of step with the world. Unfortunately, it seems that the church has lost the will to be different in a world where conformity is rewarded.>> That’s why every church I pass on the way to work is having the same VBS program this summer. That’s why all the church signs have the same idiotic sayings on them. That’s why the church seems to be so irrelevant in today’s culture.>> Years ago while Jamie and I were on our honeymoon in New Orleans I read some graffiti on a wall that said, “Tourist are cattle”. The point was obvious. Now it seems to me that it could also be obviously stated that most Christians are cattle. They go where they are told to go, do what they are told to do, believe what they are told to believe and easily regurgitate what they are told to say in any given situation. I’m not sure that is what Jesus had in mind for us.>>>> And so here I sit, waiting and wondering what the Lord has in store for me next. I have made a clean break from the pseudo-Christian pop culture that I have been railing against for years. But I’m really not sure what to do with myself now. I feel as if I am sitting at a crossroads waiting for something to happen, but what “it” will turn out to be is unknown.>> It is not a very comfortable place to be. Then again, Jesus never promised us comfort. He only said that the journey would be worth it in the end.>> I’m counting on that.