Spill Me...
My heart has been heavy these past few days (weeks even) and it seems that tears are always right beneath the surface... Yet I don't know why... I know many things that have been bothering me lately, but none that I have been able to nail down and put into words or even real thoughts... I think that's why its been bothering me so much... It's uncomfortable...
This post may not be the most legible, but here are my "thoughts" as I try to put them into words... Bear with me as I spill my heart, right or wrong I don't know, but honest nonetheless...
I am terribly bothered that every question answered in my life raises a dozen more... Concerning humanity... Concerning this world... Concerning church...
I hate church... I don't hate THE Church, but I hate church... With so much "this should be this way" and "that should be that way" where does humanity fit in? Some say we should do music traditionally, some say we should do it "contemporary"... Some say it doesn't matter what you wear, some say you need to look nice... Some say the sermon should go this long, some say it should be as long as God wants... Some say we should have this many services, some say we should have only one... I don't care...
Whatever happend to just being? When I think about even those who would desire to mold and shape the church into what it was "in the beginning," I realize that this too is a futile matter... The original church wasn't "some kind" of church set up or model, it just was...
Linsey and I have been struggling with lack of desire to attend church... I don't know all the reasons why and this is no attempt at excuses, just my heart... I don't want to find a church that "suits me." I don't want to find a church that has music I like... I don't want to find a church that has a great "model." I just want to find a church that "is." I want to be... I want to rest... I don't want to be busy in church business... I want to rest in Bible study... I want to rest in prayer among friends... I don't even know if I am explaining any of this right... I don't want to be forced to hug someone in church during the "appropriate time" and have strangers rattle off a "how are you today"... I want to embrace my brothers and sisters in Christ...
I am bombarded every day at my college with messages and sermons and the like each one saying something different about what the church should be or do or look like or sound like or... So much opinion... So many agendas... It makes me want to scream... Literally...
My heart breaks for the days when a couple friends and I would sneak into the church and have a time of worship together and pray and talk... My heart aches for the days when Bible studies among friends and anyone who would come were daily activities... My heart is broken right now as I remember the simpler times when I just was... I wonder how I could have fallen so far... These memories cause me to hate church as it is... These experiences let me know that THE church IS real and makes me hate to go to chapel at my college...
These burdens are great on my heart as I long for the reality I once knew... I am encumbered with a burden I do not believe the Lord desires me to bear...
I was told when I left for college that this college would dry me out... It has...
I am in college, many times wondering for what purpose... My desire is not to work in church... My desire is to minister in life... To be, rather than do... But I am always reminded that God has called me here, and so here I stay... But still, I do not believe my purpose is for church... I believe my purpose is for THE church... I long for nights resting in Bible study among friends and outcasts...
Arguments can be made about "well, the church should be like this or like that," or that I am wrong in this or in that, or that I should not forsake the assembly... I don't care...
I will be the assembly... Among the outcasts...
As I ponder all of these things I recognize this heaviness of heart... It is a heaviness that I have missed for a long time... It is the heaviness of my calling... It is the voice of God...
These tears below the surface... they are water to my soul... Life again to my parched soul as I am reminded to just be...
My heart has been heavy these past few days (weeks even) and it seems that tears are always right beneath the surface... Yet I don't know why... I know many things that have been bothering me lately, but none that I have been able to nail down and put into words or even real thoughts... I think that's why its been bothering me so much... It's uncomfortable...
This post may not be the most legible, but here are my "thoughts" as I try to put them into words... Bear with me as I spill my heart, right or wrong I don't know, but honest nonetheless...
I am terribly bothered that every question answered in my life raises a dozen more... Concerning humanity... Concerning this world... Concerning church...
I hate church... I don't hate THE Church, but I hate church... With so much "this should be this way" and "that should be that way" where does humanity fit in? Some say we should do music traditionally, some say we should do it "contemporary"... Some say it doesn't matter what you wear, some say you need to look nice... Some say the sermon should go this long, some say it should be as long as God wants... Some say we should have this many services, some say we should have only one... I don't care...
Whatever happend to just being? When I think about even those who would desire to mold and shape the church into what it was "in the beginning," I realize that this too is a futile matter... The original church wasn't "some kind" of church set up or model, it just was...
Linsey and I have been struggling with lack of desire to attend church... I don't know all the reasons why and this is no attempt at excuses, just my heart... I don't want to find a church that "suits me." I don't want to find a church that has music I like... I don't want to find a church that has a great "model." I just want to find a church that "is." I want to be... I want to rest... I don't want to be busy in church business... I want to rest in Bible study... I want to rest in prayer among friends... I don't even know if I am explaining any of this right... I don't want to be forced to hug someone in church during the "appropriate time" and have strangers rattle off a "how are you today"... I want to embrace my brothers and sisters in Christ...
I am bombarded every day at my college with messages and sermons and the like each one saying something different about what the church should be or do or look like or sound like or... So much opinion... So many agendas... It makes me want to scream... Literally...
My heart breaks for the days when a couple friends and I would sneak into the church and have a time of worship together and pray and talk... My heart aches for the days when Bible studies among friends and anyone who would come were daily activities... My heart is broken right now as I remember the simpler times when I just was... I wonder how I could have fallen so far... These memories cause me to hate church as it is... These experiences let me know that THE church IS real and makes me hate to go to chapel at my college...
These burdens are great on my heart as I long for the reality I once knew... I am encumbered with a burden I do not believe the Lord desires me to bear...
I was told when I left for college that this college would dry me out... It has...
I am in college, many times wondering for what purpose... My desire is not to work in church... My desire is to minister in life... To be, rather than do... But I am always reminded that God has called me here, and so here I stay... But still, I do not believe my purpose is for church... I believe my purpose is for THE church... I long for nights resting in Bible study among friends and outcasts...
Arguments can be made about "well, the church should be like this or like that," or that I am wrong in this or in that, or that I should not forsake the assembly... I don't care...
I will be the assembly... Among the outcasts...
As I ponder all of these things I recognize this heaviness of heart... It is a heaviness that I have missed for a long time... It is the heaviness of my calling... It is the voice of God...
These tears below the surface... they are water to my soul... Life again to my parched soul as I am reminded to just be...
posted by Sojourner at 10:38 AM
8 Comments:
i read somewhere once..."some times you have to create what you desire."
don't get caught up in all the stuff that is actual speculation from college theolog wanna be's.
there is theory, and then there is reality.
the farmer cares not about the finer points of calvinism. he cares that God cares for him. pursues him. and loves him. that his crops may or may not make it. but God will.
the reality of church is this...it is what we have made it. she is a whore, but she is my mother, augustine used to say.
a lifetime can be spent in wodering how to change her. as much as we have tried to dress her like a whore, at her core she is beautiful beyind compare.
find your place. on your knees in the throne room. untill all your tears are shed there, it matters not how wet your cheeks are.
and on a honest point. if you aint gonna go to church, dont take the money they give you for college.
it is seldom our surroundings that dry us out keith. it is often the lack of nourishment. the food is there, we just get to lazy to eat.
chill. be. be in the bride.
many have lived and died, better men than you and i, have fought the cultural free fall she looks she has falledn into.
she still has her husbands jealous eye.
jeff.
you've hit the nail on the head...
i've been out of the loop the last couple of weeks & ended up finding the church just when i quit looking...
i decided to be & you know what...?
it came & found me...
i've been coaching a t-ball team that plays most every weekend thru july...
this is something that i never would have even considered in the past, 'cause it would've shown that i put t-ball in front of jesus & love it more...
i actually had somebody tell me this & i responded w/...
'you mean to tell me that jesus doesn't like t-ball...? i happen to know for a fact that he not only likes it...
he loves it...'
i was just trying to be cute & deflect the criticism, 'cause truth be told, i've really struggled w/this...
that was until this past week...
cam & i were left alone to get ready sun for the day's games & as we ate there in the bfast nook, i broke out the word & read aloud while he ate...
we read ecl 9 & talked about how we could glorify god w/our play that beautiful day & to do anything less would be downright sinful...
we prayed & finished things up & headed to the ball park soon after...
no alter calls, frivilous hand shakes or ploys to show your love for jesus by clapping to a particular song...
we had church...
& it was good...
it found us...
as we were...
i still wasn't convinced tho...
that is til last nite...
we worked chic-fil-a to raise funds for the team...
you know, cleanin' tables, sweepin' up & getting folks refills...
anywho...
the head coach, walks up to me & starts to talk...
our relationship is kinda funny, 'cause he's wrongly seen as the villian of the league...
mainly 'cause of his arogant attitude i guess & that he wins...
anyway...
he dressed in a suit 'cause he's been @ his grandmama's funeral earlier that day...
he begins to tell me, right there in the middle of chic-fil-a how the day has really made him start to think about life, death & what's really important...
he asks where i go to church & how he thinks that he needs to start goin' somewhere regularly w/his son...
(he's a single father)
it doesn't take long for me to realize that what i've been doin' is w/out a doubt the right thing & that i'm here on this club as coach for a reason...
another ass. coach walks by, asks what we're talkin' 'bout & gets a dose as well...
all i know for certain is that if i show love for jesus how i used to think was right, i'm never in a position to talk to these men 'bout church, faith & truth...
my newest church fam, which consists of 2 right now, has freed me to just be & be more effective in the life that i'm called...
i read sometime ago how spencer burke (founder of the ooze.com) had given up on church (you know, the huge corporate monster that it now is here in the u.s.)to meet in the park w/his family & another to have church...
i thought that he was nuts & had the biggest pair all @ the same time...
right now...
i'm more than ready to join him...
you guys ever happen to find yourselves over this way, i promise you...
we'll have church...
only if you really wanna...
be...
thank you guys... your words are helpful and welcome...
I can't help but think as I read all these comments. . .The Church is not a thing . . .it is people. . .these places that you go to on sundays or whatever days are full of all kinds of people. Good, bad, real, fake, those with agendas, and those just needing to be loved & accepted. I think sometimes you "THEO's" get so bogged down in what is not going right that you forget. . .it is not the style of music or the type of preacher or the dress code of the day that makes any difference in the 'church'. . .it is getting invovled with a group of people and showing them Christ in your actions and your life that is going to make a difference. I have seen and felt God in so many different types of worship services. Especially the one you and Linsey attend in AL. They show me Jesus every time I am around them and for the years we were on staff there.
Sometimes you have to open yourself up and become vulnerable to let your heart see it is not us against them. . .it is getting in with a group of people and doing life with them, loving on them, hurting with them, rejoicing with them.
Those times have been the times when I have seen Christ the most. . .when I have laid down my wants and thoughts of what should be. . .and opened my eyes to the ministry God has sitting in my lap that I was overlooking.
There is no magic trick to ministry. It is loving people where they are and accepting them for who they are and where they are at at that moment. It is ok to want it to be more effective or relevant. But don;t let that stop you from practicing right now what you are called out to do.
I pray that you and Linsey will not get bogged down in the theology of Christ to the point that you forget God has placed you two there to learn how to minister in any situation. Don't waste the time wishing for things (I have done way to much of that in my life). Get in there and get to know the people where God has placed you! "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news. . ."
I love you both. I am praying for you!
thank you... i agree... my words were not a "this is what a church should be" or a church boycott of any kind... they were merely my personal thoughts and feelings... and lins and i have no intention of leaving the church... besides, we have committed to minister in our church and intend to do so...
i really dont feel any desire, and honestly no calling to work in the church... i wholly feel that my place is to be a part of the church and a minister in my life... that is where i see myself... i dont want to change the church or mold things into what i think they should be... i just want to minister, but not as "A" minister...
i hope this all makes sense and is communicated in the intended way... as to my reason for being at this college right now is for God to reveal in His timing... but i do know that His end is not always the expected or "logical" end... i have seen God move people far out of place for reasons that our minds may see as minor, but His purpose is fulfilled...
you were sent there to meet and marry my daughter.
I just want to be, too. I know the gifts on the inside of me. I know my calling. I don't want to be made into anything other than what God wants me to be. It's like my pastor back home once said with sarcasm, "If we didn't have to deal with people, everything would be alright." Well, the truth is everything is gonna be alright as long as we simply obey God. I know you well enough to know that you'll simply obey. Now as for me, well that's a different story,lol. Out Homey!
hey man this is sara simon. i read this and truly i feel what you are talking about. you have passion in your writing and you come across very well. but i just want you to know that im their too.
Post a Comment
<< Home