Stalemate...

So... Now what?...

Spill Me...

My heart has been heavy these past few days (weeks even) and it seems that tears are always right beneath the surface... Yet I don't know why... I know many things that have been bothering me lately, but none that I have been able to nail down and put into words or even real thoughts... I think that's why its been bothering me so much... It's uncomfortable...

This post may not be the most legible, but here are my "thoughts" as I try to put them into words... Bear with me as I spill my heart, right or wrong I don't know, but honest nonetheless...

I am terribly bothered that every question answered in my life raises a dozen more... Concerning humanity... Concerning this world... Concerning church...

I hate church... I don't hate THE Church, but I hate church... With so much "this should be this way" and "that should be that way" where does humanity fit in? Some say we should do music traditionally, some say we should do it "contemporary"... Some say it doesn't matter what you wear, some say you need to look nice... Some say the sermon should go this long, some say it should be as long as God wants... Some say we should have this many services, some say we should have only one... I don't care...

Whatever happend to just being? When I think about even those who would desire to mold and shape the church into what it was "in the beginning," I realize that this too is a futile matter... The original church wasn't "some kind" of church set up or model, it just was...

Linsey and I have been struggling with lack of desire to attend church... I don't know all the reasons why and this is no attempt at excuses, just my heart... I don't want to find a church that "suits me." I don't want to find a church that has music I like... I don't want to find a church that has a great "model." I just want to find a church that "is." I want to be... I want to rest... I don't want to be busy in church business... I want to rest in Bible study... I want to rest in prayer among friends... I don't even know if I am explaining any of this right... I don't want to be forced to hug someone in church during the "appropriate time" and have strangers rattle off a "how are you today"... I want to embrace my brothers and sisters in Christ...

I am bombarded every day at my college with messages and sermons and the like each one saying something different about what the church should be or do or look like or sound like or... So much opinion... So many agendas... It makes me want to scream... Literally...

My heart breaks for the days when a couple friends and I would sneak into the church and have a time of worship together and pray and talk... My heart aches for the days when Bible studies among friends and anyone who would come were daily activities... My heart is broken right now as I remember the simpler times when I just was... I wonder how I could have fallen so far... These memories cause me to hate church as it is... These experiences let me know that THE church IS real and makes me hate to go to chapel at my college...

These burdens are great on my heart as I long for the reality I once knew... I am encumbered with a burden I do not believe the Lord desires me to bear...

I was told when I left for college that this college would dry me out... It has...

I am in college, many times wondering for what purpose... My desire is not to work in church... My desire is to minister in life... To be, rather than do... But I am always reminded that God has called me here, and so here I stay... But still, I do not believe my purpose is for church... I believe my purpose is for THE church... I long for nights resting in Bible study among friends and outcasts...

Arguments can be made about "well, the church should be like this or like that," or that I am wrong in this or in that, or that I should not forsake the assembly... I don't care...

I will be the assembly... Among the outcasts...

As I ponder all of these things I recognize this heaviness of heart... It is a heaviness that I have missed for a long time... It is the heaviness of my calling... It is the voice of God...

These tears below the surface... they are water to my soul... Life again to my parched soul as I am reminded to just be...