God Scares Me...

but God is a loving God... yes, but He is still God...

i love storms... i love watching the dark clouds drift in from the horizon, encompassing the sky as far as the eye can see... it thrills me, becuase it scares me... i remember standing outside our trailer with my dad during storms when i was younger... bad ones... watching the clouds twist and turn, lightning streaking across the sky, imagining a tornado dropping and destroying all that was around me... it thrilled me, becuase it scared me...

hurricanes, tornadoes, thunderstorms... these are things that thrill me because they are huge and deadly...

and i agree with Piper that this obsession with powerful things comes from our instilled longing for God... we long to be near the Almighty... and many times i picture myself in the arms of forgiving omnipotence, not scared, but thrilled... thrilled because He who could certainly destroy me in ways that do not yet exist, holds me close in love...

but tonight, that thrill is giving away to fear... not fear that i will be destroyed or forsaken, but that i may fail...

i am studying the judgment of Eli and his sons... they were called to serve God forever, but they failed miserably, yes disgustingly... and because of this, not only was their call withdrawn, but they were judged...

i have a calling on my life to be a minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ... yes, a wise man reminded me of this recently... and many that i attend college with have this same call...

but this call is not without condition...
this call has been given and can indeed be taken away...

these gifts are not my own...
these gifts have been given and can indeed be taken away...

God has called me, and this scares me... this call is not my own... it is not to do with as i please... it is not for me to determine what i will or will not do... and it is by no means mine to take advantage of...

the reality of God is very close to me at this moment... yes, there is thrill knowing that He is my Father... yet i remain overwhelmed with the knowledge that He is my Master...

and while there are probably few who will understand this, or feel this intense fear that i have it is very real at this moment... if you would like a taste, picture yourself sitting out on the porch watching that amazing storm... not on the Weather Channel, but in your front yard... only there is no imagination involved in that tornado that is about to take your life...

yes, God scares me... may it ever be this way...