time has had it's way with me...

i have an incredible, wonderful wife...

i have an amazing, beautiful daughter...

and though i have all that i could ever desire for companionship contained and fulfilled solely in these two people, my heart longs for something that i really do not desire...

my heart longs for friendship with believers... this is not a longing from my mind, nor from my will... it is a longing that goes beyond me and my desires... after spending years where i am the last thing i want is to see another believer... yet the longing exists and it grows daily...

we have not been going to church lately... not because we don't love God, not because we are not Christians, but simply because we are worn out... worn out with the futility and nonsense we witness daily...

but no matter how worn out i may tell myself i am, i am wearing out resisting this longing in my heart... this longing for fellowship... this longing for community...

augustine has said "the church is a whore, but she's still my mother"...

i am feeling this right now...

i am worn out with the nonsense, the drama, the futility... but however bad it may seem, i need the church... i need the fellowship of other believers... i need to speak, to teach, to learn, to grow... 

there may never be all good in any church here on earth, but right now i'm sure there will never be all bad either...

i have spent so much time pointing out the imperfections in my brethren... yet i realize now that i need them to help perfect the many, many imperfections i find in myself...

time has had it's way with me,

my broken, tired hands can't build a thing

the wires that have held me still,

embedded now in flesh, define my will

the idle of my days has won

 the empty i have fed has made me numb

despite what you will find in me

the failures of my past still swell beneath

i need a heart that carries on through the pain

when the walls start collapsing again

give me a soul that never ceases to follow

despite the infection within

our careless feet leaving trails

never minding the fragile dirt we all end in

this is where i find my fall

the cares that held my life don't work at all

and every step away from here

is closer to the plague i hold so dear

awaiting my end

breathing in the day that finds me new

redemption begins

bleeding out the flaws in place of you

-demon hunter